


Frantically Holding On

by McJoJo



Series: Holding On Series [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Death, Explosion, F/F, Injury, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-11
Updated: 2012-09-11
Packaged: 2017-11-14 01:04:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/509673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McJoJo/pseuds/McJoJo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The trial of an abuse case goes horribly wrong and Olivia and Alex are caught in the middle of it. A/O three-shot. Part one of my 'Holding on'-series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Painful Chaos

Olivia jolted awake letting out a moan to the agonizing pain that shot through her leg. She sucked in a sharp breath only to regret it immediately. She nearly gagged on the amount of smoke and ashes that got caught in her throat causing a coughing fit that nearly made her pass out again.

She stayed still for a minute, her eyes closed, her mind completely occupied with forcing herself to breathe in and out slowly and gently without coughing again. The burning sensation in her lungs slowly turned into an annoying itch.

Her entire body was aching, her leg felt like it was continuously being stabbed with knives and needles and every ragged breath she took send a sharp pain through her ribs and abdomen.

Somewhere, far in the distance, she heard cries and moans over the loud ringing in her ears, but they seemed to come from so far away they could as well have been in another universe or just inside her head.

It wasn't until minutes later when her mind actually stared to somewhat register what had happened, what was still happening. The screams were real, from someone lying on the tiled floor only a few yards away from her.

Olivia forced open her eyes, which were caked with ashes, and tried to focus. The room was filled with smoke, the tiles were blackened, wooden benches had been turned into charcoal, one still burning. The cries of the woman next to her had faded away with most of the other cries and moans coming from the bodies spread across the floor of the courtroom she had been in so many times, a place she had learned to be quite comfortable in. It now looked like something that belonged in a war zone.

Another agonizing wave of pain turned her attention back to her leg. Her stomach twisted at the sight of it. Her jeans were torn and blood-soaked, a huge gash went from her knee across her calve, a piece of sharp white bone sticking out.

Another coughing fit left her motionless for another minute. Somewhere in the back of her head a little voice told her to breathe through her T-shirt or some other fabric to keep the poisonous smoke from burning her lungs any further. But the exhaustion and pain were far greater than this little voice of reason.

And still, until now, her mind had been so occupied with dealing with the pain and forcing herself to keep on breathing that she hadn't even thought about what had happened in the first place. She squeezed her eyes shot and tried to remember. It was there in her mind somewhere, just out of reach.

What did she remember? _Think, Benson._ She told herself _Think! A case. There was a case. Cragen had handed her a file. An eight year old boy, with old eyes, bruised, beaten, by whom?_ Olivia took another ragged breath and forced her mind to focus again. _By his father. His father was a damn sociopath. This morning Alex had charged the bastard with child abuse and attempted murder. The asshole's lawyer claimed… WAIT! ALEX!_


	2. A frantic fight for life

_Alex!_ Olivia's heart jumped a beat. How could she forget? She opened her eyes once again and pushed herself up to a sitting position. She grimaced at the pain in her ribs, but her fear for the attorney was now far greater than the pain. She looked around, squinting through the smoke, frantically searching for Alex's blonde hair or the grey suit she had been wearing this morning. But Olivia saw no sign of her.

She tried to get to her feet, but her leg immediately protested and she fell back on the hard floor. She let out a groan while squinting her eyes shut, trying to focus on taking deep and slow breaths, but hardly finding enough oxygen left in the air.

Her body was screaming at her to stop, to just close her burning eyes and to just let go, to just give in to the blackness that was closing in on her from the corners of her eyes. But she pushed it away. She couldn't give up, Alex was still somewhere out there and she had to find her.

That thought got Olivia moving again. She tried to crawl to the aisle separating the prosecution and defense side of the courtroom. She tried to stay as low as possible to avoid breathing in more of the thick poisonous smoke. She ground her teeth in agony with every movement she made. She slowly pulled herself forward with her elbows, limply pulling along her wounded leg.

She suddenly heard a loud crack behind her and a big wooden beam crashed down from the ceiling, shattering the benches underneath. Her stomach twisted with the new wave of panic that rushed through her body. She had to get Alex and herself out of the building before it was going to collapse.

She dragged herself forward squinting through the ashes to where she had last seen Alex before the bomb, or whatever it had been, had gone off.

Then Olivia's eyes fell on something small in front of her. She dragged herself further, reaching out to the far too familiar object lying lone on the tiled floor. Her fingers locked around the cold metal... Alex's glasses, covered with ashes, a burst across the left lens. Olivia felt tears burn in her eyes, but refused to let them fall. Alex could still be alive. She had to focus, she had to find Alex.

Olivia jumped as another beam came crashing down from the ceiling onto an already big pile of wooden debris right in front of where once the witness stand had been. That was when she saw the familiar blonde hair sticking out from underneath the pile, spread across the floor.

"Alex!" Olivia tried to scream, but it only came out as a hoarse whisper. Adrenaline took over and she quickly started pulling the wood off the attorney, not stopping until Alex was almost completely uncovered, except for one big heavy beam.

Alex was lying on her back, the beam across her stomach, blood trickling from underneath. Her eyes were closed, a deep gash underneath her left eye. Olivia reached out, putting a trembling finger on the attorney's pale neck desperately feeling for a pulse. She let out a sigh of relieve as she felt a weak but steady rhythm underneath her fingertip. But the blonde wasn't breathing.

"Alex, come on, please..." Olivia said while gently slapping Alex's cheek. Tears now flowed freely down her cheeks, she didn't even notice, all her attention was focused on the woman in front of her.

"Alex, please, just breathe..."

Then Alex finally opened her mouth and took in a big gasp of air, the smoke immediately invading her lungs. She started coughing, frantically taking in as much gasps of air as she could in between coughs. Her eyes were now wide open with panic as her body was screaming for oxygen. Somewhere her brain registered a voice not too far away from her, but she couldn't get herself to focus. She felt a strange pressure on her left hand, but not a painful one, something warm tightened around it.

As the coughs were finally subsiding she glanced at her hand noticing it was being held by another hand, its thump gently rubbing circles on hers. There was something familiar about the ash-covered olive skin. Finally her eyes locked on the brown ones she knew so well. It wasn't until then that Alex's brain started processing the gentle words coming from the woman above her.

"That's it, sweetie, just breathe, it's gonna be okay."

"Liv..." Alex mouthed, but no sound came out. Olivia gave her hand another comforting squeeze "Yeah, sweetie, it's me... You're gonna be okay."

But what was going on? Why was it so hard to breathe? Why were her ears ringing so loudly? Why were Olivia's eyes filled with fear and worry? Why did she feel so cold and numb?

She tried to sit up, but as soon as she started moving an agonizing pain shot through her body.

"No! Alex!" She felt Olivia's hand on her shoulder desperately trying to keep her down "Don't try to move!"

Little black spots appeared in her vision and her stomach twisted. She didn't have the strength to fight the overwhelming wave of nausea. All she could do was turn her head to the side, away from the worried detective, before emptying her stomach on the courtroom floor.

Olivia felt like her heart was being ripped out of her chest seeing the woman she cared about heaving violently. She felt powerless. Alex was hurting so much and there was nothing the detective could do to help her.

When the heaves finally ended Alex glanced at Olivia, her face pale and sweaty, a droplet of blood trailing from the corner of her mouth.

"Liv," Alex whispered "What?..."

Olivia sighed. "I don't know exactly, an explosion, I think."

Olivia glanced around the room. It was a mess, shattered and burned wood everywhere, more beams and panels crashing down from the ceiling, lifeless bodies spread across the floor. The lights had gone out. One of the benches was still on fire and thick smoke continued to float around.

"I gotta get us out of here." Olivia said, more to herself than to the blonde in front of her.

"Liv...How... are you... doing?" Alex asked in between ragged breaths.

"Don't worry, Alex, I'm gonna be fine." Olivia quickly answered, not wanting to cause Alex any more stress than she was already in "We're both gonna be fine."

She looked at the beam that pinned Alex down and let go of the hand she had still been holding. The ADA let out a soft moan in protest.

"Alex, I gotta lift that beam."

Alex eyed the beam and then quickly looked at Olivia again.

"It's gonna be okay." The detective repeated, trying to convince herself as well.

Olivia moved to get a better angle on the beam, trying to figure out how to lift it without having to use her wounded leg. Alex's eyes followed her closely.

"Oh my God." Alex whispered as her eyes fell on the bone sticking out of Olivia's leg "your leg."

"Yeah, I noticed" Olivia quickly answered, trying to keep the mood light.

She wrapped her hands tightly around the beam.

"I'm sorry, Alex" She said, knowing that this was going to cause the attorney even more pain.

Olivia took in as deep a breath as the smoke-filled air would let her, trying to use her fear and adrenaline to her advantage. Then she gave all the strength she had to lift the beam, pulling as hard as she could.

Alex let out a scream as pain shot through her previously numb lower body. The beam only moved a quarter of an inch before Olivia couldn't hold it any longer. She lowered it as gently as she could and collapsed onto the ground trying to recover as quickly as possible so she could try again.

"Damn it!" She swore under her breath, "Why isn't there anyone coming to rescue us? Where are those firemen?"

"The building..." Alex answered in between labored breaths "It's gonna... collapse... not.. safe."

"Then we gotta rescue ourselves." Olivia said sounding more determined than she felt "There's only one way to do this. I can't pull the beam off you, but I think I might be able to lift it high enough for you to get out... Alex, I know it's going to hurt, but as soon as I lift it I need you to move. Whatever you do, just get yourself from underneath that beam as fast as you can. You can do it!"

Alex nodded, bracing herself, completely focused on the task at hand.

Olivia groaned as she lifted herself to her feet, avoiding putting too much weight on her right leg. She took a few breaths, trying to steady herself. She then reached down, praying that her body would hold until Alex was safe from underneath the beam.

Olivia grabbed the wood as tight as she could.

"Ready?" she asked.

Alex gave a quick nod, determined not to give in to the pain this time.

Olivia looked one more time into the attorney's beautiful blue eyes.

"On three... One... Two... Three!"

Adrenaline took over Olivia's body and with all the strength she had she pulled up the beam, temporarily not feeling anything. She did not feel the pain in her leg, nor in her ribs, there was no dizziness, no exhaustion, no burning in her lungs. They were all gone.

Alex ground her teeth as she felt the beam shift on top of her. As soon as the weight of the wood was gone she tried to move away, but, for some reason, couldn't

"Alex!" Olivia shouted "Move! Now!"

Alex tried again. She tried to crawl, roll over, anything to get out, but her body refused to do what her brain told it to.

Olivia felt the beam slip in her fingers, pain now searing through her leg again.

"Alex!" she desperately shouted "Please!"

Alex clawed her hands at the floor, frustrated tears rolling down her cheeks. "I can't!


	3. When desperate hearts open

"No!" Olivia shouted at the beam came crashing down on Alex's wounded body, causing a loud crack of something Olivia was pretty sure was not the wood.

"No, no, no" she mumbled as she crawled back to Alex's side.

"Alex" she grabbed the blonde's shoulder and gently shook, but Alex was limp under her grasp. her eyes were closed, blood pooling from underneath the beam, her chest heaving with short irregular gasps.

"Damn it, Alex." Olivia mumbled, more devastated than angry. "Why didn't you move? Why couldn't you just..." Silent tears rolled down her cheeks.

She desperately looked around for any sign of what to do now. But she quickly realized that they might just have failed at the only chance of getting Alex out of there alive.

The sound of hoarse coughs snapped Olivia out of her thoughts. Alex had stirred and was now coughing violently, her upper-body squirming in her desperate fight for oxygen.

Olivia reached out with a shaking hand and gently stroked through Alex's soft blonde hair.

"Alex, it's okay, sweetie, just breathe. You can do it." She whispered reassuringly.

Alex felt like her lungs were burning their way out of her body. She gasped and coughed, but the air didn't seem to reach her lungs. With every single cough the copper taste of blood became stronger, she felt the warm liquid trickle out of the corner of her mouth. Her vision was swimming and she felt the blood rushing in her ears. Her muscles contracted with the desperate need for oxygen.

It felt like ages till the coughs finally started to subside and left her completely exhausted. She blinked through the tears, completely focused on taking slower deeper breaths. She was barely aware of the soft warm hand gently wiping the bitter copper taste off her lips. Still, her body responded to the soft touch and managed to relax a bit, taking some of the pressure away from her constricted chest.

Olivia let out a sigh of relieve as she felt the ADA relax under her touch and started taking deeper, but labored, breaths.

"I'm... sorry... Liv." Alex whispered, barely audible, "I tried."

"I know, sweetie." Olivia quickly answered "It's okay, you have nothing to be sorry about."

Then in the back of the courtroom a deafening rumble erupted as the thick beams could no longer support the ceiling and came crashing down, blowing a wave of dust and ashes towards the two women.

In a reflex Olivia jumped up, covering Alex's weak body with her own, trying to protect her from the falling debris. Luckily the ceiling right above them stayed in place, for now.

The sudden pressure of the detective send a wave of shock and pain through Alex's body. But as both the cloud of dust and the pain settled Alex was overwhelmed by a feeling very different from the constant pain.

Alex was completely caught up in the irony of the situation. So many times her mind had voluntarily and involuntarily pictured the two of them exactly in this position, not thinking it would ever happen. A little smile formed on her previously pained face and with a smirk she limply put a hand on Olivia's back. Olivia twitched feeling the cold hand through her thin T-shirt.

"Liv," Alex gently said "I really love you too... but I don't think this really is the right moment."

Olivia smiled back as she looked in the attorney's eyes. "I had to protect you." She answered.

Alex weakly nodded, "but I think the danger is over now, so... why are you still on top of me?"

Olivia's cheeks flushed bright red. "Right." She mumbled and quickly moved off the blonde.

Alex was both relieved and disappointed when the pressure shifted away. If she was going to die anyway than this surely was a damn beautiful way to go.

But as the moment passed the reality of their situation came crashing back on her in full force. She shivered, feeling colder every minute, the lower half of her body felt completely numb, more blood trickled from her stomach underneath the beam and breathing became harder and harder. She was stuck, there was no help, meanwhile the building was slowly collapsing around them.

 _This is it,_ she thought, _I'm going to die right here._

She looked at the detective hovering above her. The brown eyes were full of concern, her warm hand gently holding Alex's cold trembling one.

 _What a waste,_ Alex thought, she felt a wave of regret wash through her as she looked at Olivia's perfect beautiful face, _I did it all wrong._

"Liv..."Alex said, trying to push away any hesitation.

"Mmm?" Olivia reacted

"Liv, you have to get out of here."

Olivia's head shot up, wondering if Alex had really said what she thought she said. One look in the ADA's eyes told her she had heard correctly.

"Alex, No." She answered sounding weaker than she intended.

"Olivia, I'm stuck here, I think we both know how... this is going to end for me."

Olivia shook her head, fresh tears burning in her eyes.

"There is no reason for you to die here too."

"No." Olivia said, more determined now "We are not going to die, we are both going to get out of here alive."

"You don't really believe that, do you?"

Olivia's silence already told Alex the answer.

"Olivia, please... Save yourself. It's okay" tears now appearing in Alex's eyes as well.

"No Alex, I'm not leaving you, no negotiations possible."

Alex clenched her jaw in frustration. If only she hadn't been pinned down right now, she would have grabbed Olivia's shoulders to shake some sense in her. But then again, if she hadn't been pinned down, they wouldn't have been having this discussion right now.

"Damn it!" Alex shouted "You can't just give up like that! You have to at least try! You have to... to... to..."

Again she found herself gasping for air.

"Alex!" Olivia panicked.

Alex didn't respond, she blankly stared at the ceiling, her eyes emotionless, sucking in breaths with quiet squeaks.

"Alex, look at me." Olivia sternly ordered, but instead the ADA's eyes rolled away and then closed, while the short labored breaths continued.

"No Alex, stay with me, come on!"

Olivia moved to sit right behind Alex, grimacing at the sharp pain in her leg. As gently as she could she grabbed Alex's shoulders and lifted her a couple of inches, she then carefully shifted underneath the attorney and lowered Alex's head against her own body. She wrapped her arms tightly around the shivering blonde. Alex tensed with the movement, but then Olivia felt her slowly relax in her arms.

"Whatever is going to happen," Olivia softly said "I want it to happen to us together."

Alex's eyes opened and stared up into the detective's. Olivia hadn't realized the blonde was still conscious and had heard her, that didn't make her regret her words, though, she meant them.

With all the fear and pain and exhaustion, there was one thing, Olivia realized, that felt so incredibly right: it was to have Alex right there in her arms. And if they hadn't been dying it would probably have been perfect.

"You know, Alex..." Olivia said, still hesitant to speak the words out loud "don't take this the wrong way, but so many times, over the past years, I have asked myself: What if..."

Alex glanced up, thinking she knew what Olivia wanted to say, but still needing her to speak the words.

"You know... what if I would just give in to these feelings? what if I would just tell you how I felt? What if I would just ask you out?"

Alex swallowed, her heart pounding loudly "I would have said 'yes'" she whispered

A single tear rolled down Olivia's cheek, dangled at her jaw for a second and then dripped down onto Alex's cheek.

Olivia tightened her embrace, but still being careful not to hurt the lawyer any further.

"It would have been perfect, we would have been happy together."

Alex nodded, but then quickly turned her head to the side as the burning in her chest started her coughing again spraying red droplets over her suit.

Olivia felt so powerless, the only thing she could do was rub the attorney's upper-arms in comforting circles, whispering reassuring words till the coughing subsided again.

Olivia winced at the sound of Alex's breathing, which frighteningly resembled the sound of a straw slurping a milkshake from the bottom of a glass. Alex sounded like she was drowning, right there on the courtroom floor in Olivia's arms.

"God, Alex..." Olivia said, not able to stop the silent sobs that followed, tears flowing down her cheeks into Alex's silk hair.

Alex weakly reached up putting her hand on Olivia's wet cheek. "It's... okay..." she whispered, barely audible "pain's... gone... now..."

Olivia tightened her embrace around the limb body of the woman she loved, wondering that if she held her close enough she could keep the life inside her. She buried her face in Alex's soft blonde hair, smelling a hint of strawberry shampoo and another scent that was purely Alex.

"Love... You..." Alex mouthed, not able to make any real sound.

"Love you too." Olivia answered through her tears. "Love you too."

Olivia's heart felt like it was torn apart when the blue eyes closed and the slurping breaths stopped.

"Alex." She hoarsely forced out. She put her trembling finger on Alex's pale neck, feeling two soft beats underneath her fingertip, a pause, another, even weaker beat and then nothing.

Olivia felt like the world came crashing down on her only seconds before the building did.


End file.
